The Intentional Father

I stole this title from Jon Tyson’s book of the same name. His book challenged me to rethink how I influenced my own children. But now the tables are turned, and you are in the hot seat.

The reality is this: Influence happens not by accident, but by intention.

If you have ideas about how you want your child to be as an adult, you’ve got to have a plan to get there.

The problem is, children do not necessarily want to go where you want them to go…they want to go where they want to go. Our responsibility is to affect their “want to,” because we cannot just drop them off at adulthood.

Be a hero, show a hero, or find a hero!

Children, young or old, do not want to be told how to change, they want to see how to change. So, we must use words strategically.

My hero was the best catcher in the world, Johnny Bench, of the Cincinnati Reds. I knew his history, his stats, his techniques, how many baseballs he could hold in his right hand. His methods became my methods, regardless of what my coaches told me. I was inspired!

Help your child find a hero worth copying. Tell them about your hero, and what it is about him that inspires you.

Heroes fan the flame of our “want to.” They can be found in the neighborhood, in the media, in books, or in YOUR STORIES! Be intentional to find a way to tell about a hero, and listen when they tell you about theirs.

Treat your child like they are bigger than they are.

Children will stretch to reach your high estimation of them, or stoop to confirm your low expectation. You get to choose the path…choose well.

One day, we sent our 13-year-old, long-haired, pimple-faced son into the bank with a large stack of cash to make a deposit from our laundromat. Without hesitation, he proceeded to complete the task despite the dismay of the bank teller (who thought he should not be in possession of such a large wad of bills). He was rather offended at her concern because he believed that we believed he could, and should, be doing that task. And he did!

Part of our intention was training him to do it first so he could be successful when it came time to do it himself. You can do similar things with your children IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, and have a plan.

Plan significant moments of interaction.

Recently, I was visiting with one of my closest friends. He described some intentional conversations he had with his grandchildren. He called the group of them around a table to “talk to them about something.” It was then that he told about things that were of great importance in his life after his many years of living. Then he invited them to tell him something significant they had learned recently.

My friend told me that each one who spoke treated the interaction with great dignity and showed outward signs of pride and honor to tell how they were changing and growing. Though the time was brief, it was memorable. . . and inspirational.

How do you want your children to remember you?

Describe what you want them to say at your funeral, then find little ways repeatedly for them to see you live like that. Our words matter, but our actions matter more.

I’m not a believer in the instruction to “fake it ‘til you make it,” but sometimes we must practice a character trait until we believe it to be true about ourselves. Anytime we do something new, and INTENTIONAL, we at first may feel like an imposter. But don’t let that stop you from doing what is right, and good, and wise.

Be Intentional!